The King and the Pawn

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I don’t why I enjoy the game of chess so much. I’m not very good at it nor am I willing to learn particular stratigies to becaome a good player. I think maybe I enjoy just really screwing up somebody else’s plans. Once someone has set themselves down in front of me and has announced themselves as my opponent I go straight in to “FUCK YOU” mode. Your qualities and attributes mean very little to me as this point. Your experience and demeanor in the game mean jack shit to me as well. Who do you think you are placing yourself against me? I will face you. I will fight you. I will cramp you fucking style! You may out think me. You may be able to stay calm when you need too. You may win. But you will not smile. You will not win according to plan. You will sweat. You will walk away with a limp. And you may think yourself an earned and crowned King. Remember though, at the end of the game, the King and the Pawn return to the same box. Only now I have nothing to lose.

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Who’s your Wizard?!!!?!!

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Alls I can say is that OZ better be greatful that I wasn’t their Wizard. So po-dunk Dorothy Gale comes to town and kills their evil witch with a buckett of water on the the order of the ‘Almighty Wizard’ because everybody cowers to this guy. Pssh! Who’s to say that the wicked witch of the west was really wicked. The wizard himself turned out to be a fraud. Some lowly corn husker from the mid-west hiding behind the curtain. You’re telling me that all it takes to run a country over the rainbow is a Hi-Def television and a bassing sound system. Yeah OZ is lucky it wasn’t me. I would’ve knocked up the witches of the West, North, East and South. Munchkin Tossing Tuesdays would’ve been mandatory, lions would’ve pulled my many chariots that were built by tin woodsmen and I would’ve made a killing off of selling water pistols. The next time we get a storm you’re gonna see me outside with 50 kites trying to catch a ride over the rainbow! Ya lil munchkins, who’s your Wizard!?!

Welcome To Loserville. Population: Me and You

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If you know me then this comes as no surprise but if you don’t know me then here’s the kicker kids. I’m a loser. Been a loser my whole life. Though I’ve come to terms with this and in fact have become accustomed to my loserhood, I feel some shame and sorrow that my loserdom is affecting others. I’m a failed baseball player, boxer, college student, son, brother, boyfriend and overall citizen of Texas. Hell I even have to share a birthday with Jesus. Who wins there? You may be saying to yourself, ‘Damn! He sucks. What’s on TBS?’ and you’d be right to do so but it’s not me or TBS that you need to be concerned with. It’s those with whom I surround myself with. As you may have read before I am an avid Dallas Cowboys fan, and as you may have read, they suck. My Rangers this season had a serious run and awesome chance to win the World Series. They lost. This is obviously my fault. My shitty losersuck is now affecting those that I love and causing them to lose. So it is for this reason that I must cancel my plans to go sky diving with my mother.

Seperatists

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One of my favorite comedians is Arj Barker. Granted I didn’t know who he was til I saw him on Flight of the Concords but after YouTube and Comedy Central specials I am well aqauinted with his material. So, of course, it concened me after I read his twitter bio that twitter refused to give him a blue check. What the hell is a blue check? Why doesn’t Arj have a blue check? More importantly, why the hell don’t I have a blue check? I can tell you one thing, the people with blue checks sure as hell don’t twit with those of us who don’t have blue checks. That has brought me to a conclusion. BLUE CHECKS ARE THE SHIT!! And if you have a blue check then you are given access to a higher realm of existance and are in fact allowed to be jaundiced towards the non-blue checkers. Actually I’m jaundiced towards the blue checkers. Actually I just learned today that jaundice had two definitions and wanted to use it in a blog. I’m not a blue checker, nor am I yellow.

The Home Team

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Maybe it’s my over inflated ego but I think the Dallas Cowboys are testing me personally. Let me explain. You see I’m a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan. I was a Cowboys fan before I was even born. I know this because my dad told me so. But for the last 12 years I believe the Dallas Cowboys are testing my loyalty. I think Jerry Jones has set the whole organization to test me personally. Like God tested Job so America’s Team tests me. I live on the edge of my seat every game poised to etiher jump to celebration and glee or to slump in sadness and despair. Every game, week and season the Cowboys make it harder for me to defend my fanaticism. But I do. I make no appologies for being a Cowboys fan and I will forever be a Cowboys fan. So Jerry Jones! If you are trying to drive me away then know now you will fail. Besides where would I go? When you’ve been a Cowboys fan as long as I have been then you can’t just get up and pick a new team. There isn’t a team in the NFC that I don’t have beef with. So that puts me over to the AFC. Then who? The Texans? They were an indoor team in Dallas when I was in the 3rd grade. They sucked then, they suck now. Steelers? Fuck that! I’ll ride with the Cowboys til I die.

Equality in the workplace

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So it’s been told to me. It’s been drilled in to my head. It’s been pounded in to my brain with a rubber mallet that women are not treated fairly in the workplace. And now I read on Yahoo news that the more sexually attactive a women is the less likely she is to be taken seriously. Such as the larger a woman’s breasts the less likely her chances of promotion. Bullshit! Not that a woman would ever read this blog but if one should be lost in the world wide web then let the big boobed bimbo be educated. Ladies, I assure you the consideration of women in the workplace is equal to not only men but also to their curvier counterpart. The large breasted woman in the office will be every bit considered for the promotion as the woman who tucks her penis.

Father Abraham

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Did I ever tell you about the time I found out I was Jewish? I was looking through some old pictures of the family my grandmother had and I came across the picture of my father holding me when I was a baby. My father with his long, dark and curly hair. His beardless face and long nose protruding out past his thin lipped face. I smirked and looked to my mother and said, “Dad looks like a real Jew in this one”. At which my mother replied, “Oh yeah. Jews tend to look like Jews”. As it turns out I’m about 1/32 Jewish, which I don’t think is a real thing. I don’t expect any Greenspans or Spielbergs to be calling asking me to get in the family business, but I’m a Jew. I’m only Jewish enough that if don’t marry a Jewish woman then the blood line dies out. So I guess what I really mean to say is, are there any single Jewish ladies out there interested in making a baby?